I'm just done with it all.  I don't know where to start.

I'll start with what I'm most pissed off about.  Kristen at work, who got engaged a week ago, has already set a date, booked a venue, bought her dress, and finished her guest list.  I have been engaged for nearly 3 months and have done n.o.t.h.i.n.g.   And now everyone's on my ass about it.  I'm already beating myself up for waiting so long but... I'm a procrastinator, what can I say?

I finally cornered Kristen and asked her how the FUCK she managed to do all that in a fucking WEEK.  She goes, "I work part time.  I was off 4 days in a row.  I had time to do it."

My.  Point.  Exactly.

I am fucking MISERABLE working full time, I am!  I can't get ANYTHING done.... Nothing wedding related, nothing moving out related, nothing social life related.  I am doing nothing.  I am completing day to day chores and that's about it.  No time for anything else.

So my manager was talking to the other Kristen (the one splitting time at the doctor's office and the hospital) at the nurse's station and was saying how it's no problem that Kristen goes part time, they'll just hire another 12 hour nurse to do part time days.  NO PROBLEM.  So I chimed in and said, "I want Kristen (the girl who just got engaged and did all that fuckin shit in a week and is transferring to another floor)'s part time position."  So my manager looked at me, laughed, and said, "But you're getting married!"  And... that means I shouldn't work part time?  What does that even fuckin mean?  I told her that was precisely why I wanted to go part time, and she said, "Well if you needed to, I guess you could."  And what the hell does THAT mean?!?!

I've had it.  The stress at work carries over into my "down time" and I'm miserable ALL THE FUCKING TIME.  Working full time is GREEAAATTTTTT money, but it's not worth the hassle!  It's not!

Kara, you said something along the lines of I need to invision what I want.  When I think about what I truly want, what I feel would make me genuinely happy, this is what I think of:  STAY AT HOME MOM.  I'm dead ass serious.  That is what I want.

I don't want to work.  My mother was around 24/7 and my dad worked.  That's just how it was.  And I want that.  I want to be there for my children, I want to watch them grow up and enjoy that time.  I don't want to be the mom and the wife who is ALWAYS at work and misses everything.

I heard from an inside source that the only date my venue has available is a Friday in October.  Meehhhhhhh.... I'm not keen on a weekday wedding.  So I was texting Craig this tonight and he said that worked for him, it didn't matter.  But now people are giving me all these fucking restrictions: No Sundays in October (soccer), not the weekend of Oct 25 (Kristen <potential bridesmaid> is going on a cruise), preferably not October because my aunt and uncle are planning a trip to Ireland that month, and they don't want to miss the wedding, no one weekend in September (we don't know WHICH weekend) b/c of Diesel Nationals, needs to coincide with my weekend off (that's just gotta happen.... cuz they won't give me off my weekend on, and I don't trust them to, either).  I don't even know how many actual dates that leaves me with.  And how the FUCK am I supposed to make everyone happy and accomodate everyone's schedules?

I'm done with this, I really am.  And if it's true that this venue has only ONE date open, I might just break down.  I'm getting closer and closer to melt-down mode every day, no joke.  And like I said, I have no one to blame but myself.  But come on, man.  Kristen saying that she was able to do all that shit cuz she has time?  Throwing salt in the wound.  Hardcore.

But then I feel like a douche!  I'm 26 and can't balance a full time job with my social life?  There are people out there who are going through so much more and able to manage so much more responsibility than what I'm going through.  Maybe I just can't handle it.

I'd miss the full time income, that's for sure.  I'd have to tone down my lifestyle (no shameless purchasing of Coach bags, for example ).  But I seriously can't keep living such a miserable lifestyle.  It's not healthy, I don't care who you are.

I'm also PMS'ing, which probably explains why I am crying right now, but I'm just in way too far over my head.  I have to make a list of other venues to visit, figure out what days I'm looking at and just pray to fuckin God that I can get something soon.

Craig's saying he wants to wait til 2013 but that's an odd number year and I don't dig that.

I also hate eating with other people, I feel like they're always watching me.  Gives me anxiety.

I'm not gonna tell my mom about the venue date rumor.  Cuz then she'll say, "Well what's the point of wasting our time and going?"  Shit I need to regroup.

I also should sleep.  Sleep would help me not feel lousy and useless and like a failure.

I had more to write but it all escapes me now.