In a nutshell, Christmas this year sucked.  I had to work Christmas Eve and day, and I just had awful nights, back to back.  I was and still am miserable and don't feel like working today.  Sigh.

It's weird.  I was in the holiday spirit for awhile this year.  Christmas music wasn't ear raping me, I got my shopping done early, was organized and did all my wrapping early.  Craig and I got our tree earlier this year so we could enjoy it for longer.  I baked.  I decorated the house.  I burned candles that smelled like cookies and pine and I was generally happy.

And then Christmas Eve day rolled around and I couldn't be bothered with anything anymore.

My parents didn't put up their tree til Christmas Eve.  Which means the branches didn't come down (still haven't), which means the tree wasn't decorated.  No lights, ornaments, or tinsel.  My dad DID put the star on top.... but never plugged it in.  It looks so redneck, it's not even funny.  And it's a BEAUTIFUL tree and it's smell is to die for but seriously..... so sub par.  That tree deserves more.  Especially since my dad paid almsot $70 for it.  It's weird, it's like no one tried to make Christmas enjoyable this year.

There was drama with Sean and Tarin.  They refused to go to Grammy's this year for Christmas.  Because Sean's holding a grudge against my uncle for a comment he made a couple years ago about Sean's soccer team's WARM UP OUTFIT.  I love my brother dearly, but he needs to get the FUCK over it.  That is such a petty, grade-A bullshit reason to NOT come to Christmas.  And Tarin doesn't like our family, so she didn't want to come either.

So what they did was spend ALL day Christmas Eve with her parents.  Then they did Christmas breakfast with them and then spent the rest of the day there.  They didn't even bother to come to my parent's house or anything.  And that, to me, is insanely selfish and disrespectful.

Christmas is supposed to be about celebrating the birth of Jesus, which I don't personally do.  To me, Christmas is about spending time with family and enjoying each other's company.  Of course, as a kid, it was all about presents, but I've grown out of that.  I don't want presents, I don't particularly need anything, whatever I want I can get for myself.  I don't need gifts.

So for Sean, my role model as a child, the person I looked up to for guidance, to really just ditch the whole family for some bullshit excuse is really hurtful to me.  And he is officially on my shit-list.  What, is he not gonna come to my wedding because my uncle's gonna be there?  I mean, is that where this is leading?  Seriously.  Where does it stop?

He is picking all the wrong battles lately.  And I could go on about this for quite awhile, but I have to work today and I need a nap so I'm abbreviating it, but he is losing the support of his family one person at a time.  Grammy is done with him.  She refuses to go up to his house for Easter this year, which means Matt won't have to come.  Sean and Matt have been on the outs for years now.  My parents don't want to go up for Easter, either, as they don't particularly like Tarin's family.  So Sean is deliberately choosing to spend time with his in-laws instead of his own parents and siblings and for what?  A petty, dumb comment made years ago?  A selfish, obnoxious toad of a wife who MUST have everything her way?

If Craig ever pulled that shit with me, I'd tell him to fuck off.  If he didn't want to come to a family event of mine, fine, stay home, I'll go without you.  My family is the ONLY family I have.  They birthed me, raised me, guided me, helped me.  And a fucking snide comment about an OUTFIT isn't gonna change that.  Get the fuck over it, man.

So Sean and Tarin are coming to my parent's today for "second Christmas" around 230, right as I'm leaving for work, so I won't have to see them.  Matt and Grammy are coming too.  I'm sorry, but I'm just not feeling the Christmas love this year.  Nobody went out of their way for me (the only asshole that had to work this year, of course), so I'm not feeling very festive.  The last time I worked Christmas, my parents stopped at the hospital after they left Grammy's and dropped off a dessert sampler for me.  Not this year, though.  I mean, at least hold off on second Christmas til tomorrow when I'm off.  Whatever, I don't want to deal with the drama anyway.

I'm going to have to seriously consider going part time at work.  I'm totally miserable and I can't keep up this pace much longer.  And there's a part time evening shift open.  Hmmm.  I mean, it would be a pay cut but I'd only have to work 3-4 days a week, which might be nice.  I dunno.  I'll talk to Craig about it.  Because my manager made it pretty obvious that she won't be trying the 11a-11p position anytime soon, so I have nothing to really look forward to on that front.  And the only time I'll be in charge is my weekend, but it's looking like the 12 hour day and night nurses are gonna fight to take that over.  So, again, nothing to look forward to there.  I just can't keep doing this.  My life is depressing, I need a break.

Financially, I could handle being part time.  I met my goal of having more money in the bank than views of my diary (lol what a ridiculous goal).  My new goal is to reach $200G.  That'll probably take another year or so, but we'll see.

I'm really depressed and I'm not sure what to do to make it better.  Working less would probably help, but then I'd feel guilty that Craig is working full time and miserable, and I'm freakin 25 years old and can't handle a full time job?  I dunno..... And if I did go part time, would I or should I get another part time job (less stressful, preferably) to tide me over?  It's a lot to consider.  But I'm not making any progress in my life.  I'm regressing.  I haven't moved in with Craig, I haven't done a thing to plan this wedding, I have no social life, I'm too tired to cook ever, I have no motivation to better myself, and I just feel completely miserable with where I'm at.

Something to think about.

I hope everyone had a nice Christmas, and I'm sorry I was such a Debbie Downer about mine.  I know I chose a profession where holidays are just another day of the week, but it really is miserable to be wiping bloody stool from an old man's ass while your family is enjoying Christmas dinner together and opening presents.  I'm sorry, no amount of Christmas carols or fun colored scrubs can change that fact.

On to another day at the zoo....